1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a arb.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "! I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have
to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's
really heavy"
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha
Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No. The steaks
are too high.'
17. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut off your arms".
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the
man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
22. A three-legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw."
23. A duck walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist, "Give me
some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
