The following is provided to ensure you will be ready for that first day on the slopes:
1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
2. Soak your gloves in water, store them in the freezer, then wear them around for the rest of the day.
3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Periodically drop stuff.
7. Place small small pebbles and crushed ice in your shoes, put them on, then tighten a C-clamp around your toes,
8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
9. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride your bicycle down a really long steep hill, fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
15. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!