1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it
> against that freshly painted part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes
> you to say, "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age.
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
> the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race
> out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
> 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
> ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping
> the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially
> Douglas fir.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from
> your boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
> the end without the handle.
>
> 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
> benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first
> bit).
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be
> used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench
> that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at
> Ford, and rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
> or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
> plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
>
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it
> against that freshly painted part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes
> you to say, "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
> their holes until you die of old age.
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
> the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race
> out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
> 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
> ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping
> the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially
> Douglas fir.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from
> your boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
> the end without the handle.
>
> 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
> benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first
> bit).
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be
> used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench
> that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at
> Ford, and rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
> or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
> plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
>