1. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify in one word why the human race has not reached its potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you seldom want you to share your religious views with them.
5. When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT USE as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. Do not confuse your career with your life.
7. When trouble arises, and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason for daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests she is pregnant without irrefutable evidence.
14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal of your birthday. That time is age eleven.
15. All Americans, regardles of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background share the belief that they are above average drivers.
16. A person who seems nice, but is rude to the waitress, is not a nice person.
17. A lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.